Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Being of Help


Those of us involved with the challenges of brain illnesses, whether the illness is challenging us or someone we are trying to help, may depend on how well we are able to help ourselves. Or love ourselves. Being of help, some of us have discovered, is really dependent on our being able to love.

Karen Armstrong, a widely respected author, religious historian and compassion activist, teaches that if we are ever going to be able to love others, we must first learn to love ourselves. If we can’t love ourselves, with all of our past shortcomings and present faults, then loving someone else simply is beyond our capability. The way to learning to love ourselves, Ms. Armstrong suggests, is through compassion--knowing ourselves…accepting ourselves…loving ourselves.
 

When there is something we know about us, something about ourselves that we are not able to accept that keeps us from loving ourselves, then it is up to us to change it. In fact, we must change it. We must love ourselves so we can learn to love others. There are no shortcuts. Learning to have compassion for ourselves allows us to have compassion for others. Aligned with this concept, I suggest, is that of being of help.

How can we expect to help others if we fall short of being able to help ourselves? Changing the things about ourselves that we don’t like and cannot accept is key. Why don’t we do that? For many of us, the answer is fear. Facing our shortcomings, and accepting them, fills us with so much fear that we avoid going there. That prevents our ever reaching a place of forgiveness.

But love casts out fear, doesn’t it? Yes, perfect love…the love of the fearless.

So this is the way to be of help: fearlessness. We owe it to ourselves and to those we want to help.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Thin Ice Twice


For some of us who have a mental illness, recovery may be like making our way across a lake in winter. The lake, its top a smooth surface of glistening ice, appears safe. At first we hesitate. Finally, we step out. Although the ice feels solid as we carefully step further away from shore, we can’t shake a fearful thought: in some places the surface may be too thin to safely support us, and at any time it could break and we’ll plunge down into a dark icy abyss from which we’re not likely to return.

For those of us supporting a loved one in recovery, the trip across the ice can be just as challenging. We’re afraid about the firmness of the ice, too. Will it prove to be reliable? What if we think we hear the ice start to crack--should we immediately pull our loved one back? We’re not even sure we should be out there with them. If they go down, what’s to prevent us from going down with them?

All of us involved in recovering from the affects of a brain illness, or supporting someone else who is, will have times when we have second thoughts and want to hold back. This is especially true when we’ve never been in this situation before, and we’re not sure that we will achieve the outcome we seek. We’re concerned about the risks involved.

One way to cross a lake in the dead of winter is to seek out others who have successfully crossed the same lake. They will have some experience about crossing safely and can make wise suggestions about where to cross and just how best to go about it. The same holds true for recovering from a mental illness. Others who have been involved in recovery and have experiences of what has worked successfully (or not) can pass on valuable information as well as provide insight and suggestions on what has worked for them (or what hasn’t worked).

Procrastinating from taking any action toward recovery is not helpful. It may even propel things to becoming worse, and possibly catastrophic. Doing nothing is probably our worst choice.

Action with movement toward recovery is essential. How do we do that while avoiding getting caught on thin ice?

Talk with your doctor and therapist. Attend a support group, regularly. Read as much as your can about successful methods of recovery. Learn as much as you can about the illness you’re involved with. Do all these things while you’re taking continuing action.

Stop thinking about it… just do it.